Things feel a bit different today I feel a bit different. I want to shut myself away and just be in silence and stillness for a while. Things are starting to hit me as to how difficult things are going to be do and what seemed funny doesn’t feel funny today. The simple things I take for granted everyday like making a cup of coffee, running up and down the stairs or round the house, drying my hair and fixing a nail that’s just bloody broke.
This absolutely huge spider went running across the kitchen floor earlier and made me jump, I was on the phone to my mum at the time when I let out a little scream and there I am having a meltdown as it run under the fridge, asking her to come and get rid of it for me. She told me to get a grip, I’m not being funny there’s too many that bite and I don’t know if its going to attack me so I attacked it with my very strong peppermint spray I have made. So what’s going to happen when I’m being accosted by a spider and I can’t defend myself with my large bottle of peppermint spray, clearly mums not going to come up as she thinks I was being ridiculous. I mean she may have a point there is a considerable size difference between me and a trespassing spider, but I’m not going to be able to jump up and run now am I.
Now I probably wont sleep tonight stressing over bloody spiders. I’m having really vivid dreams at the minute too ! Dreams of my little girl (whom is actually nearly 33 so not that little), maybe it’s because she was my first , the one that made me a mummy, lots of symbolism there I think. I’m really reminiscing about the children being young and small, when they first developed their cute little personalities and funny little words, went from eating anything to being so fussy, that was actually quite frustrating at times. How did they all just do that go from eating anything to nothing overnight, I would love to understand that one. I just miss those days of being a mum to my little ones. If there is one thing being a nan has made me understand and I said this to my mum recently was this.
“ I now understand why being a nan is so different to being a mum because when you have them your time is theirs, when your a mum you can’t just give your time to your own child in the same way as you have to do everything else. It actually makes me quite sad as a mum what I didn’t do or didn’t have time to do in the same way as being a nan.”
My mum said I summed that up just perfectly. Treasure the small moments as those small moments aren’t small for long.
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